Volume One, Chapter Seventeen: The Truth of Those Years

Looking at Su Qingya’s resolute expression, I lowered my eyes. Indeed, I still couldn’t quite let go of her. In the past, I couldn’t bear to see her look at Fu Huaijin with that gaze; now, that same pitiful and desperate look was directed at me. If I couldn’t bear to watch, then I wouldn’t. If she wanted to take care of me, so be it. I closed my eyes and thought this to myself.

“…Forget it. If you really want to take care of me, then get a good rest tonight,” I finally spoke, unable to hold back. Sigh. I despised myself from the bottom of my heart for being incapable of cold detachment.

“Gu Ze… thank you,” Su Qingya said, her eyes still moist.

“I should be the one thanking you,” I replied bitterly. “Thank you for wanting to take care of me.”

After exchanging thanks, Su Qingya still didn’t leave, and the two of us slipped back into silence. We had been married for three years, yet it seemed we had no common topics. When alone together, the only thing we shared was silence.

“Gu Ze, about… Fu Huaijin…” She hesitated, looking at my face as if debating whether to broach the subject.

I didn’t respond, merely meeting her gaze, feeling a flicker of unease. Had she found some clue related to the deaths of Fu Huaijin and me, and was she beginning to suspect me again?

To my surprise, Su Qingya said she had again consulted the police and hired a private detective; all the evidence pointed to Fu Huaijin having committed suicide due to insurmountable debts.

“…So?” I asked, a little confused since this time I wasn’t met with scolding. According to Su Qingya, all suspicion should no longer fall on me.

“So, you’ve been mistaken about me… for many years,” Su Qingya said with difficulty.

I quietly exhaled, saying nothing.

Seeing my silence, she asked, “Gu Ze, don’t you have anything you want to say to me?”

Her question puzzled me. “What do you want me to say? I already know everything you told me.”

Hearing this, Su Qingya forced a faint smile and murmured, “Haha, yes… you’ve always told me these things… for a very long time.”

Then she began to talk to herself: “I always thought Fu Huaijin was someone I could entrust my life to… My parents thought so too, so naturally, we started dating. Back then, he really shone in my eyes—like someone who could do anything.”

Yes, I thought bitterly to myself. Fu Huaijin was a troublemaker, but clever. His college admission was due to an exceptional test performance, plus his parents borrowed money from relatives to invest in the school, so he thrived there.

Su Qingya came from a wealthy, well-behaved family girl who had never even set foot in a karaoke bar or nightclub. Meeting such a rebellious boy on her first day at university naturally made him seem impressive, knowledgeable about everything.

I was no different—a rural boy from the mountains, desperate to escape by studying hard. For years, my world was textbooks, exams, and Su Qingya. Naturally, I became just background noise beside Fu Huaijin.

Su Qingya continued, “After we got together, Fu Huaijin often lied to me. He said he didn’t smoke or drink, yet I could smell tobacco and alcohol on him.”

“He said I was beautiful and wished he could take me everywhere, but when I asked why he smelled strange, he said it was from hanging out with his friends,” Su Qingya said, pursing her lips and lowering her gaze.

That small gesture was all too familiar. She still grieved over Fu Huaijin’s death. Even knowing the real Fu Huaijin was far from the perfect partner she imagined, she still mourned him.

I laughed bitterly. If that was the case, why was she telling me all this? To express how pure her love for Fu Huaijin had been?

I listened half-heartedly to her rambling until she said, “Gu Ze, I never thought I had missed you for thirteen years.”

I widened my eyes in shock.

I thought nothing could surprise me anymore besides knowing about my own death.

That news was like knowing you’re unwell but never expecting to be diagnosed with cancer.

I knew Su Qingya’s feelings towards me were complicated, but I never imagined she could do more than just not hate me—that she could actually love me.

But my eyes only brightened briefly before dimming again.

I didn’t believe she loved me. It made no sense.

If she loved me simply because I cared about her for thirteen years, then she wouldn’t have continuously betrayed me.

If she changed her view of me after learning the truth, it would only be a change of opinion. She wouldn’t have such a strong desire to care for me.

Could my near-death be the opportunity for Su Qingya to seek the truth?

I thought for a long time but shook my head.

Since Fu Huaijin’s death, Su Qingya had lived in hatred.

I was the target of her vengeance while alive; my death would mean her revenge was complete, allowing her to begin a new, happy life.

No matter how I looked at it, both outcomes benefited Su Qingya without harm.

Now that I was close to death, she was just one step from starting her new life—so why say such things to me?

Su Qingya bit her lip and looked at me. “Gu Ze, I know now that you had nothing to do with what happened back then… but those were the years when I loved Fu Huaijin most. When he jumped to his death, you were right there. I just…”

“You just couldn’t accept Fu Huaijin’s death. Such intense feelings found no outlet, so they turned into resentment towards me, the suspect,” I finished for her.

Su Qingya looked at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, Gu Ze… you’ve been forced to bear too much all these years.”

I smiled.

I had thought many times about what would happen if one day Su Qingya truly investigated Fu Huaijin’s death and found it had nothing to do with me.

I imagined her stubbornly refusing to admit it; ignoring the truth and continuing to hate me; or, perhaps, Su Qingya might unexpectedly apologize to me—just like now.

No matter the outcome, I thought, once she knew I was innocent, my heart would feel as if a mountain had been lifted.

But reality was not so.

My heart was like a stagnant pool. Even though I wished Su Qingya’s words would stir some emotion in me, now they sounded like a story. I had become a bystander, not a participant.

I didn’t even care whether she had uncovered the truth.

Su Qingya became at a loss facing my smile.

She grew more cautious in her apologies. Seeing my puzzled expression, she looked even more confused.

Her hands were cold and wet in mine; I imagined her tear-streaked face was the same.

“I’m sorry… Gu Ze, truly sorry…”

Watching her endless apologies, a malicious thought crossed my mind: perhaps she simply didn’t want to bear the burden of a death on her conscience, so she kept apologizing to me like a confession.

Just like she once described me.